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American electronic music conglomerate SFX Entertainment have today confirmed that they now own the entire EDM genre outright and are planning to do the same with deep house.
Head honcho Robert Sillerman made the deal to purchase the rights to EDM music – an unprecedented purchasing of a genre which has been hinted at before when Keane bought the rights to warbling vanilla folk – after buying everything else associated with the dance music scene including festivals, clubs and Beatport.
“They only way someone could make more money out of dance music is if they also sold the drugs,” quipped one SFX employee David Collins. “We’re not going to stop there though, EDM is only the first genre we’re interested in, deep house is in the crosshairs.”
“Deep house is next, then after that whatever genre is making money will be next. Ad infinitum,” he added, claiming that “if we were to wake up tomorrow and Eskimo throat singing was the top selling genre on Beatport then we’d buy that, it’s the money that matters to us, not the quality of the music”.
Sillerman is reportedly keen to buy as much of dance music as possible “like a personal game of monopoly that he’s having with himself”.
“You might say to me Robbo, how can you buy an entire genre, isn’t that like buying a concept?” pondered Sillerman. “And I’ll say to you that just because it’s an entire genre doesn't mean it falls outside intellectual property law, just no-one has had the vision to buy a genre before. In Hollywood terms it’s like Woody Allen buying the rights to all films featuring a New York based neurotic Jew.”
“Even though he doesn’t need to own the rights to those films for you to know it’s a Woody Allen film,” he added. “Same way you don’t need to know who’s making your EDM track, just that it is EDM and that it sounds largely identical to all of the other electro-house tracks you've ever heard.”
Sillerman reportedly made the deal with 15 of EDMs biggest stars, including David Guetta, Tiesto and Maarten Vorwerk, in his 17th century Gothic castle over an ancient capitalist blood rite that involves wearing Eyes Wide Shut style masks, drinking a mixture of each other’s blood and the semen of a virgin.
“Once everyone is bound by blood and ball butter then the contracts can be signed and my control of EDM is complete,” added Sillerman while stroking a cat with a gloved hand. “They knew that they’d be better off selling themselves to me, I have the reach and marketing power to sell their terrible music indefinitely.”
Sillerman has claimed that following this move he sees deep house as being the next logical genre but is “waiting until next year til it accrues maximum commercial potential and is largely unrecognizable from the genre it was when it began”.